im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
