Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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