I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
