I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
