i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
