This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
