Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
