just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
