just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
