We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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