There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
