Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
