It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
