do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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