Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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