but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
