the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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