I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
