I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
