so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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