my mouth tastes like poor choices
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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