Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
