Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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