peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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