Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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