Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
