I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
