I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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