As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
