Jerry, you need to find god
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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