i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
