My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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