I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
