Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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