there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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