I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
