Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
