now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
