I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
