i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
