If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
