First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
