Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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