im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
