Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
pray to the hookup gods
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
