I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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