She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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