Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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