you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Your dad touched me again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize