Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
