the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
