so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
