Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
