It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
