i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
