i think my mom watched the whole time
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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