Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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