New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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