I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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